M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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