In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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