I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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