I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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