Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
