Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
