don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
