And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
