i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
