I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
