the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
