ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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