You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
