Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
