he wants to bone in the snuggie
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
