so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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