the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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