I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
