im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
