I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
