You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
