i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
