I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
