I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
