you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
