why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
