Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
