I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
