Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
