So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I want to fling myself into the sun
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
