Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
