I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
