i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
