last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
