hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
