I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
