i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
