That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
