Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
