sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
ugly people sure do ruin things
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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