when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
