It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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