he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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