I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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