My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
