Kareoke will never be a sober sport
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
