Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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