also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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