final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
it glows. i had to have it.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
she pinky promised me she was 18
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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