apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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